Time

I love Urraco coffee, it's roasted locally!

I can't believe how time flies by with no concern to plans and hopes and fears. It seems that it goes quicker these days than it ever did before I had children. One day converges into the next with no real distinguished line breaking them into separate times. I fall into bed at night, and I fall out it the morning:O) Sometimes literally! It's all I can do to get up to make my husband's lunch before he goes to work AT 5:15AM(misery loves company)!! Lest you think of me as a saint, I have to say, that's the only time in a day that I can get to myself, so I sacrifice sanity and a youthful appearance, for a little quiet time with God including a generous helping of coffee!! At this point in my life, living in good ol' WA state with their love of Java is a real blessing. It's not like I can't get it anywhere else in the world, but their obsession with a cup o' joe drives me to new heights each year!(The new creamers are wonderful too, try coconut creme:O) I love the warmth and happy feeling my first sip of coffee produces that early in the morning. It makes me thank God, seriously, it makes me wake up(on most days) when sometimes nothing can get me going except for another round with my pillow;O)

Today was one of those days. This whole time change thing is for the birds!! We can't quite get our body clocks going after this past Sunday. I could barely move this morning and I can't even remember if I actually kissed Warren goodbye. I just stumbled to the couch and grabbed a blanket on the way and fell into a heap of sleep. My kids are still asleep and I pray that will last for at least another hour!

I haven't been sleeping well lately. Most of the time, no matter how much I pray, I can't stop thinking about our adoption. I remember being pregnant, and not being able to get away from this large thing that was stuck to the front of me(my stomach)it's still there by the way:O( and that's how I feel right now. Uncomfortable, tired, emotionally exhausted and completely strung out, wishing for my due date(travel dates). I keep asking God where my happy place is and I keep getting lost trying to find it. I had it there for a while, but last Friday it disappeared. I wanted to run away this weekend, to go someplace where it is sunny and warm, but, I LIVE IN WASHINGTON. That doesn't happen until August, no kidding! On the days when my husband remembers to pray for me, I tend to do better. We still haven't heard anything and don't even know when to expect to hear anything. It's getting harder and harder to watch others going and preparing to go, and not pout. It's like going to the hospital when you're in labor and seeing other women coming and going with their babies that were born during your labor! You lay there for days, hurting and trying to focus on a happy place, and the nurse tells you that you are only dilated to a 2!!! This happened, it's a true story:O) You don't ever forget your labor, whether it is a natural birth or a supernatural birth(adoption, I mean). Nothing about this process seems to be anything that is in our control. I didn't start this post to write about the similarities of adoption and childbirth, but I'm seeing more and more evidence that they are very much alike. Although I have way more emotional pain than physical. I believe that this has to happen. I don't think I knew that it would be this way. I knew it would be hard, but not this hard. I vaguely remember saying the same thing about marriage:O)

It seems that God allows us to go through many of the same things over and over to refine us. I sure wish I already shone like gold, but that won't be until I get to heaven I guess:o) Each lesson I have learned has matured me more, built character and taken me one step closer to Him. Each time I go through something hard, I come out better for it, shining more like Jesus. Isn't that what God's plan is anyway? To be more like His Son? The more we become like Him, the more people we touch with His love. Not our own love. Mine is selfish love, but God's love is unconditional and filling and forgiving. God's love is sacrificial. That's why He sent His Son. To die for me, so that I don't ever have to live my life without Him. So that I can know what life is about and where I'm going when I die. I say this with all assurance and sincerity.

I'm glad that Easter is coming! It is a day to celebrate life!! Eternal life with God if I just believe in what His Son did for me. At this point, as I write, I am more filled with the awesomeness of God than I have been in a while. He loves me, He knows me, and He says He will work all of these things together for those who love Him. I love Him, how could I not? He requires nothing of me in return but to love Him and obey His word. It's sometimes really hard, but like I said above, I'm selfish and want what I want. That's where the trials come in. But look at the reward for this trial, my baby girl!!!! Oh, I can't wait for the day that this labor is over. But for today, I can see His love for me.

Thanks for letting me process my heart on this page. Thanks so much for all of your prayers and encouragements. I hope to have good news for you soon, but the good news for now is: God knows and He is working to bring our daughter home!!!

Lots of Love,

Jenn